Ice-cream, you scream, we all...

Mostly throw our hands up in the air one suspects. Err... this post has nothing to do with BDSM in case you hadn't realised this by now. This is actually about ice-cream and no there is no splodging involved. Due to the gluten intolerance one is now having difficulty getting enough calories in on the free day, so one turned to that old and faithful friend of those trying to bulk up... ice-cream.

There was just one tiny problem... somewhere along the line ice-cream is no longer constituted of heavy cream and a few flavours, but is now full of additives like soy and wheat. So why not make one's own? Subsequently an ice-cream maker is sitting under the tree down at His mother's end of the house. It was one of those many trips we were sent out for due to that broken pelvis she is sporting... still... those things take a long time to heal... but one does digress.

Deciding to not spend $500 on one (see how fiscally responsible one can be with other's money?) we opted for a base model thinking well if this turns out a regular fixture in our lives, we will lash out on one with a compressor next time. Sneaking into the box to retrieve instructions and recipes one fled down our end to peruse in peace. And that was where it started to get complicated.

See all the advertising says treats in 25 minutes. What they don't tell you is that the internal bowl needs to go in the freezer for 24 hours before hand... fair enough it doesn't have a compressor... or that you need to mix all the ingredients, with a blender, in another bowl and then transfer it to the machine where it will be for the aforementioned 25 minutes. A process that will render soft serve! If you want real ice-cream it then needs to go into the freezer for a couple of hours.

They also don't mention that internal bowl is huge. It takes up nearly a quarter of the freezer space in a modern fridge. One speaks from experience here as the purple... not a word from the peanut gallery... beast looms in there in its protective plastic bag so that it doesn't get freezer burn. And let us not dwell on the two hours the damn strawberries need to macerate in sugar and lemon juice before being added to the ice-cream.

So let's see...

24 hours for freezing the bowl

2 hours for maceration

10 20 minutes for mixing ingredients

25 minutes for chilling

2 hours for freezing the results

And a whole lot of washing up

Hmm... we seem to be a little off the 25 minutes here people

All one can say is that it better be the best strawberry ice-cream... ever!

Otherwise this could be the most underutilised Christmas present... ever!

Kitchen tales

It is no great secret that one small slave has a love for fitness magazines. Not the useless women's ones that are full of ads and skinny models that, frankly, could stand to gain a few pounds, but the men's ones. And it's not to perve on all that muscle, before you start to go in that direction. No, one reads them for the recipes. See men's fitness magazines are full of yummy high protein food that is quick to prepare and simple to cook.

They assume that men want to eat half the cow and are going to have limited cooking capacity. In other words they eat like one small predator does... well the cooking capacity is high, but who wants to slave over a hot stove in this climate? It was in one of these magazines that the perfect pancake recipe was found. It's ridiculously simple, high in protein and contains no gluten... oh and they are to die for.

Those pancakes have also become something of a problem... they take a while to cook when you only have a smallish heavy frypan. But they are so damn good that they have become a regular fixture on our free day. To the point that plans are often made or unmade to make sure there is time to cook them...

We have plans that involve escaping His parents to meet a friend on Monday... our free day.

Realising that there was going to be a scheduling problem one thought it wise to inform Him...

Um... you do realise there will be no pancakes on Monday

Why not He asked

Um... we are going out and there will not be time to cook them and get there on time

There will be if I wake you at 5.30 He shot back

Seeking clarification one enquired, gently, you are joking?

His hand reached out to rattle the collar

See this is what all that transparency and communication shit gets you...

In the kitchen at the crack of dawn L

The recipe (for thems that are curious)

2 bananas mashed

2 eggs beaten in

100 grams (3.5 oz) of ground almond meal

1 tsp of cinnamon

1/2 tsp of baking powder

Stir in dry ingredients

1 punnet of blueberries folded in

Cook over a lowish heat until dark golden brown on each side

Serve with a dollop of Greek yoghurt
Makes 6

They have an almost muffin like consistency when cooked and could probably be done as small muffins by those who are good at tinkering in the kitchen.

LOL

It seems it is Love Our Lurkers day... well it was yesterday... or maybe it was the day before? It's very hard to keep track of these things with international dates. But anyway LOL day... Let's just pretend it's today shall we?

LOL day is when we, the bloggers, take a moment to not only thank our readers, but to acknowledge those of you who come on silent feet, or keyboards as the case may be, often every day and who are the silent majority. The ones who come to snicker quietly at one small slave's valiant attempts to thwart Him...

Hmmpf put like that one is a little unsure why one is thanking you...

Oh well guess its polite and all that...

So thank you one and all J

Lest we forget

Deeply disturbing

In the past one has mentioned some of the quirks of our local bus drivers near Christmas. Today's driver wasn't content with just a hat. No, this one had actually decked out the interior of the bus with Christmas decorations and jaunty little blinking lights...

Dear gods make it stop!

Rocks gently in a foetal position 

The Christmas party

Tonight was the night... the night when we all get together on the company's dollar to celebrate the survival of another year. Except it wasn't such a celebration in some ways. Personally one is planning on bailing in the New Year... for a lot of reasons including the fact that the allergies are playing up and meds are only just making it bearable and even then the results are spotty some days.

It was a topic one had mentioned in passing to the manager a couple of days ago and at the time one thought her reply was interesting... you know normally I would try and talk you out of it, but in this case...

Leaving that little meeting one thought there is something else going on here... that was too easy

Well it seems that was the case...

Chatting to another staff member who is leaving... it is amazing what people will tell a sympathetic ear on a glass of wine... it seems that the business will probably be wound up at the end of the financial year. So there we all sat... with the co workers making merry all around one small slave who just felt profoundly disconnected from the whole event. And here one is stuck with a bit of knowledge that is just going to devastate some of the women who have worked together for upwards of 14 years and one can't give them so much as a heads up.

You know working for corporations just makes you feel dirty sometimes L

It's that time again

The Liebster Awards are doing the rounds again... it is that time it would seem. How do people seem to know when it is time for them? Seriously is there some bloggers calendar that one small slave is completely unaware of out there? One marked up with special dates that we bloggers need to remember... 'cos if so one would love a link.

Firstly one would like to thank ancilla_ksst for the nomination. It is appreciated... you can all just feel a big, fat but coming can't you... 'cos there is one. See this award means that you are supposed to share 11 random things about yourself, answer the 11 questions that your nominator has asked and recommend 11 other blogs. Now, one has no trouble with the first part... any reader here can attest to one's capacity to twitter along like a canary in a cage. The second part isn't the issue either. No the real issue is the nomination part.

See the blog roll to the right are most of the people one follows and as you can see many of them are inert due to life changes. Even some of the big, older ones are suffering from this malaise. The list of blogs one follows is suffering from the same problem... with an added complication in that now when someone closes their blog to the public, or shuts it down you are stuck on their followers list with no way of getting off it.

Since the last Blogger upgrade you can't just get off a list from your end... you have to go to theirs. It means there is no way to update the list to reflect who you are following any more. People are following links to things that don't exist.  And yes it is one of those little housekeeping issues that is driving one quietly insane... if you hadn't guessed that by now J

Anyway getting back to the Leibster Award and the poor little blog roll...

One of the great things about the Leibster Award is that it generates some traffic for those little corners of the blogosphere that might otherwise be overlooked and with that in mind one is going to do this a little differently than was intended.

What one would like you the reader to do is nominate one of your favourite BDSM blogs, in the comments section, so that one small slave and the other readers can go and have a look and see what is out there in the hopes of finding some new blogs to follow.

Also if you have any questions that you've always wanted to ask... no matter how silly... this is your chance to ask them J

Lest we forget

LOL7

Each year on this day it is Love our Lurkers Day. It was started over at My Bottom Smarts six years ago. The idea is that this is the day when we bloggers thank our lurkers and try to get them to decloak and say hi, how are you? Now generally one doesn't do this day as this blog, with its strangely anal focus, is not quite in their core group. It isn't a spanking blog, though that does happen and it isn't DD, though that happens too and it is hardly D/s. Mutters He is far too mean for that label. Nevertheless one does think the idea of thanking the lurkers is a good one and it also happens to coincide with the start of this blog two years ago so...

Some blogs offer all sorts of incentives... smacks for every comment and things of that nature... to get their lurkers to decloak. That is not going to happen here... none of you can be trusted to use that kind of power responsibly. In fact one isn't sure that lurkers even want to decloak at heart. Oh one understands that some of you are shy or feel that you have nothing to contribute, but honestly many of you like your anonymity. Half the fun of the net is that it is by and large anonymous... well gives the illusion of it at any rate.

No what one wants to do here is thank all of those of you who lurk... the silent majority. Those of you who come to be amused, entertained (often at one small slave's expense) and occasionally somewhat scandalised by the fact that one hasn't won that good slave award... yet. And some of you have been doing it for quite some time and often from far flung places in the world. In fact it is always something of a shock that you ever found one in the first place.

So thank you. All of you; the silent and the vocal alike because it is appreciated J

The blank page

Most days one sits in front of a blank page and words just come pouring out. They rush and bubble and tumble faster than the fingers can type them. Other days one sits in front of it and it just stares back. A slightly accusatory tone floats around the edges of its luminous surface... it knows there are things to be written, otherwise why would it be up. But still the words won't come...

Those are the days when the mind slips into a jumble of incoherent thoughts. They refuse to coalesce or stay on any topic. Oh one starts to think about something and before one knows it the topic has been changed. It is done like a master magician doing sleight of hand... too subtle to follow.

Today is one of those days...

Some people...

Are too ignorant to understand irony...

We are driving along and this car zips past us...

All black; black in colour, black mags and the darkest tinted windows allowable in this state.

The licence plate proudly proclaims...

WYT PWR

L

Master this!

Every once in a while some fledgling master drops one small slave a line. There is a sort of theme in common with these neophytes; they are all young, scrawny, semi literate, living in the home state and all of them keen to give a girl what she needs... them. In fact just the other day one got an offering from some young thing. It was a scrawled line of text speak that basically could be summed up as do you want to be my slave? Actually that wasn't summing it up... that was the entire message.

And that does bring us to an interesting question. In fact the teenager went on to ask the very same thing on a Fet group later that day. Why aren't slaves interested in me?

Now not being a member of that group it was on the tip of the fingers to reply to his offering via pm, which one is reluctant to do because sometimes engaging with these people is an exercise in masochism, but what the hell, one has a blog. So here we are for the record...

Why you don't get taken up on your offer by one small slave

Your age is not the issue... hell one is as partial to snacks as the next... for that matter He is about eight years younger than oneself. No, the real problem is that... well to put not too fine a point on it... you are too skinny. Personally one prefers a man with a bit of meat on his bones, or muscle... either one works. That extends to woman too. Oh one thinks that tiny elfin women are cute, but one does so prefer a bit more substance in the bed.

Your inability to write a sentence is a problem. It's not that one can't read text; more that one suspects it is indicative of a general communication issue. We have already established that you can't comprehend the written word... otherwise you wouldn't have made this sterling offer to someone whose profile says blissfully happy. Oh and owned... But one does understand that words mean whatever you want them to mean and so one is going to give you the benefit of the doubt.

But while we are on the topic of your missive... yeah women like to feel special. You have to woo them just a little. It doesn't have to be flash, but a mail out to virtually every woman in your state? And one surmises this based on the fact that they have to get to page 32 of all the Queenslanders to find one and that we are not in any shared groups. How else did they even find one's profile?

Next there are the little nitpicky things...

The first question is not do you live anywhere near me, but do you want to be mine?

Then there is the fact that your profile has some of your rules on it including, but not limited to, this little gem...

"You will crawl onto my lap to be punished"

Yeah... you're gonna have to catch one first J

Christmas is coming

In fact Christmas is just a few weeks away... if the steady stream of chocolate arriving at work is anything to go by... and some of you are probably wondering what to get your loved ones. Well here is the gift for you. A snip at only 2,490... errr... pounds that is. Nothing says I love you and you're worth it quite like an obscene amount of money being spent on something... well one wouldn't quite say useless, but shall we say somewhat unnecessary?

Well nothing says conspicuous wealth quite as well as that at any rate J

On being a muse

Many moons ago one asked Him why he didn't write odes and sonnets to one small... at the time... voracious cougar... and he said one didn't inspire him. Now being a woman one was slightly miffed at hearing that. Hell no woman wants to find out she isn't muse material. Well it seems He just wasn't looking in the right place...

Someone else did however, and lately it came to ones attention that this picture inspired more than just the odd comment and bit of reblogging. One person reblogged it on their tumblr and it was complete with a little story. And well worth a read that story is too...

Oh not for it erotic appeal... though it may have some

And not for its blatantly rampant levels of fantasy... not to mention its slight withholding of the truth

No, the posts real attraction is the humour....

Now some of the humour is accidental...

Little things like the person obviously hadn't read one's blog... the word contract was a dead giveaway. That and their very hazy idea about bowel movements... or what issues you would have closing the plug enough to remove it if you mistimed things (so to speak). And let us not mention the trouble you would have after leaving it in for the 48 hours like they said happened. Mind you that would probably give some staff member in the local ER a story to laugh about for years to come.

Oh and the comment by the outraged reader was a classic... and something of an added bonus in the laughter stakes.

No, the humour (and what tickled the funny bone enough to make one laugh uproariously) was that in the tale one's arse has somehow managed to become so much younger than the rest of the body.

The only thing one can think is that because the arse spends most of its time being dragged along it has ended up in a different time continuum. In that zone things move much more slowly... well they are behind in everything... and subsequently it hasn't aged as fast as the rest of the body.

It's the only reason one can imagine why one's arse is now 28...

Well that and the fact that it is always late...maybe that was what happened. Its constant tardiness meant it was late for all of those birthdays... those incremental moments must have added up to years at the end.

Maybe He just has a real talent for making the arse look its best... 

Other assorted freedoms

Today dawned with yet another election, this one for the local council. By some quirk of malevolent fate one had dropped off that mailing list again, so nothing arrived to announce the upcoming attraction. Actually as we don't watch the news or read the local paper we had only a hazy idea when it was due. Oh we vowed to go and vote early, but life being what it is that idea disappeared where all good ideas do.

These circumstances were how one came to realise on Friday that one had no way of getting to the polling booths and even less ideas about who the candidates were... not that there is much difference between them. If they aren't slightly corrupt to begin with, they are probably going to end up that way. Being of cynical persuasion one finds it very hard to believe that no one is taking advantage of all that foreknowledge about things like infrastructure going in... like proposed rail routes... to cash in on some little land deal. But one digresses...

See when they organise these events there is little thought about the people who are going to be using them. They open at 8.00am and close at 6.00pm... rendering them nearly inoperable to those dependant upon public transport and working. Not that any of the polling booths are on a public transport route to that work. Oh that's a lie... there was one. All one small slave had to do was brave 6 lanes of roadway and hope the bus saw one in the night... 'cos there was no way to actually do the voting before work... there simply wasn't enough time.

So after organising two separate lifts and warning work one might be a little late, one stood in the queue waiting with the other equally disgruntled and damp... oh yes to add insult to injury it was raining... citizens. Well most of us were... there was one young gentleman who just looked ridiculously happy. He turned and gave one a beam that nearly split his face in half... honestly it was the brightest thing one saw all day. In fact when it was his turn to register he literally ran to the desk, with a wonderful loose, loping style that made one more than a little envious to watch.

As one watched him clutch his ballot papers and rush to the booth it made one realise something. There are parts of the world where people are literally dying to vote. And here one is whining about having to do that very thing. It kind of put it all into perspective...

A clear mind

There has been a mild storm in a tea cup on Fet over a word. Well a sentence to be precise. But it was the use of a single word that sparked off the storm. A storm that flitted across two groups, an assortment of memos and provided untold clarification as to why some should learn to brush up on their comprehension skills and turn down their emotional responses, before sallying off into discussion groups... mainly because someone almost always gets the wrong end of the stick and looks... well we will get to that.

Now some of you may be wondering what awful word it was that had so much power to cause so much destruction. That word was delicate... yes that's right the word delicate. It is a word which means sensitive in feeling or manner. A word that was used correctly and appropriately it would seem, given that it also means to be easily damaged and requiring tactful treatment... something that many proved was the case.

See it wasn't the word itself that was at fault, but the way in which it was interpreted to be somehow less than and the way that some tacked on the term "flower" to it. It is strange how that word is like a red rag. The really stupid thing is that it was originally used by someone self identifying as being a "delicate flower". Not by someone using the term at others, though frankly some didn't let that little fact get in the way. Oh no, when they ran with it and their butt hurties to another group, they omitted to mention that salient little fact. But we will get back to them in the fullness of time...

Firstly though we are going to look at what really set them off... it was the sentence itself. Actually it was more the language it was couched in. To be precise it was how they heard the tone in their head... though it would be fair to point out they were not alone in that bit of hysteria. See many of them read it and related it to some incident in their past. The tone set them off...

This brings one to an interesting point... because try as you might you cannot convince some that tone is all in their head. Written words don't have a tone... you have a little voice that reads them out loud in your mind.

Don't believe one? Read the above in a nice, bland, monosyllabic tone... go on, try it J

See all the heat and passion is filled in by you and your comprehension of what words mean.

Reading things dispassionately is a skill. You learn it with practise. You learn to read something and walk away, if you feel yourself having an emotional response to it. You learn to examine why you are having that response. You learn to reread when you are in a clearer frame of mind. You learn to keep walking away until you can get that clarity and actually deal with the content. You also learn to look up any words you don't understand and to not presume that your cultural assumptions about that word are the norm across the board.

Otherwise what happens is you get the slightly erroneous end of the stick... in this case that slaves aren't allowed to have emotional responses... and run off with it to another group. Where you start up a thread, they join in your hysteria and make bold and equally emotive responses and then you all end up looking... well... sensitive emotional histrionic unbalanced worked up... over being called delicate. 

Just a quick note...

Blogger is playing silly buggers and won't let one small slave reply to anyone so... new look comments for now. Hopefully it will work for you guys...
It's Blogger, there are no guarantees :)

VBA is not a disease

Most chain letter type things are a pain in the arse. In fact the family were told outright, if anything bad happened it would be all their fault for sending that stuff to one's inbox, as there was no intent to ever pass it on. It took a few years, but finally they got the message and ceased and desisted on sending one heart warming burning little bits of spam.

Then along came Vixen4770... who completely ignored the unwritten rulz regarding such things. And the worst of it is one is going to have to give her a pass because it is in a good cause... you will so get yours Alice L

It seems that the Versatile Bloggers Award is a way to help spread the joy of your reading list and creates a little publicity for those quiet corners of the web. The idea is to thank the person who nominates you and link back to them in your post, share seven things about yourself, pass on the award to 15 bloggers that you enjoy and contact your nominees.

To be honest one isn't sure what you don't already know about one small slave so let's have a rummage...

1. Hates wearing knickers with a passion
2. Loves morning mouse with a ferocity that is well... almost an illness... certainly symptomatic of one
3. Has a serious shoe problem... in fact one does an annual cull to keep the numbers down
4. The favourite colour is not purple... it's red dammit!
5. A bit geeky with a fondness for SciFi
6. There is a weakness for strong tea and bacon butties
7. Spends most of the time naked... even cooking the aforementioned bacon

Now there is a blog list of places one really enjoys. They are written either by people one knows from around the traps or have been places one has enjoyed quietly for a long time. Of course there is also a list of places one visits that are newer and often quieter that one slips off to when there is five minutes and a cup of coffee...

Now one has to sort them out and pare them down to 15... Yeah, thank you Vixen...

So in no particular order, which causes someone a tad anal a great deal of pain, the list of places you might like to read...

Bumbling Towards Submission

The King of Clubs

Girl Deviante

Ekho Bound

Sparkling Scars

Thesubmissivebf

Peripeteia

My Journey Back

Submissive Sanctuary

always Histora

Service Slavery

Obedience With Grace

The Whiskey Owl

Knotty Little Monkey

The Light in Things

May you find something enjoyable J

Now as for contacting the nominees... that one might be a bit more fraught, but one will do what one can, though they may notice this when they slip in.

That being the case... Surprise!

You have been VBA'd

It's all Vixen's fault

J

Lest we forget

                                                          

LOL

It seems today is Love Our Lurkers Day. You lucky things, you get a day devoted to you J

So one would like to take a moment to thank all you silent types... who traipse across the door on whisper quiet feet... for your continued lurking. It is a constant surprise that you not only find your way here, but keep coming back. Like many who start a blog this was never done with the idea that people would actually read it. This was meant to entertain Him... and a few friends. Some of whom get far more pleasure out of this than they should...

Thank you one and all. May you continue to enjoy and get the odd giggle J