Taboo sex toys

We were both peering at an e-catalogue...

Oh so taboo means anal

Yes, when it doesn't mean incest He replied, before launching into a brief synopsis on the origins of the term, in reference to the porn industry and sex toys.

Hmm... That's an interesting shape. Wonder how big that actually is? It's so hard to work these out sometimes. It's only $29 so probably not that big.

A few clicks...

Ah yes five inches... just over four one amended. Would the arse even know it was there?

Well that depends on how hard I ram it in. And how much lube I use, He hastened to add.

Sighs even online shopping becomes both educational and terrifying around here.

It might be naughty...

Looking through the endless parade of sex toys that are hitting our inbox, one can't help but be entranced with some of them. Just probably not for quite the reasons that the manufacturers intended. Take the page of "grippers" (toys that you stick your penis into to masturbate with) for example. There was one that offered the choice of a vagina or a mouth (complete with parted lips and a tiny tongue) attachment. It was an item that was, disturbingly, described as realistic looking and feeling. The damn things were purple. Don't know what games those people play, but one suspects they aren't safe ones.

However one must confess to being tempted to buy Him one...

If only to see if His penis will actually fit in the tiny holes that are provided...

And then to see if He can get back out again...

In one piece

For some reason the mental image looks rather like a dog trying to get off one of those E-collars (plastic buckets) that they use to stop them gnawing and licking at bandages and the like

Is that wrong?

Joy ride

Every once in a while we delve into more conventional toys in the form of vibrators. They aren't our favourite thing, but some of them are just visually interesting and in need of further exploration.

The implement:

• This toy is the Comet 11 Rechargeable G-Spot Wand presented by Jopen, who produce the equivalent of the Swan vibes that one believes can't be purchased in America for some strange reason... perhaps the Canadians don't want to share them.
• Measures 20 cm (8") from tip to tip
• It is 12.5 cm (5") around at its widest

The pros:

• Lovely smooth silicone
• 7 different rhythms
• Plenty of oomph
• Charges off your USB port using magnetic contact points so it's impossible to get them in the wrong spot
• Fully charged in 4 hours
• Charge lasts for 2-3 hours
• Waterproof
• It would make a very handy Hatachi Wand substitute
• Easy to clean

The cons:

• This is probably just a personal one: the toy is meant to stimulate the G-spot. The whole point of the design is that it is ergonomic and enables the user to wield it one handed. To stimulate the G-spot you have to be able to slide it in and out... something the vagina wasn't having a bar of. Oh it went in; it just wouldn't come back out again without a fight. In fact after a rather powerful orgasm and everything had clamped down even tighter than it was before, one did quip that it would be preferable to not to become one of those embarrassing hospital stories...

Fortunately it did come out albeit reluctantly :D

Love hurts

He put his head around the bedroom doorway, on his way out to work, and made a goodnight threat before saying cheerily love you

Blinking at Him, huddled under the doona feeling threatened, one expressed grave doubts as to the veracity of his love.

Did I not leave up the Stockroom's email about the electro sex sale He asked

Yes, yes you did and that is rather a case in point

Shudders that word does not mean what He thinks it means L

The novelty toy

Every once in a while an oddity comes across our feed and one just has to share...

Are you looking for a gift that can be engraved with a personal message?

Need a new data stick that will hold up to 16 GB?

Want something that has a dual function?

Looking for a vibe you can discretely recharge at work?

Well this might just be for you J

So unfair

You know there really is nothing worse... well there may be, but on this particular morning there wasn't... than stumbling to the computer, clutching coffee and finding things like this on the screen. As a rule one is sort of exempt from a lot of these sorts of toys due to that pesky latex allergy and the fact that most of them are too big to fit. This one seems to overcome most of those issues

Sighs why can't those creative types be a little less... well... creative L

Clejuso #13 handcuffs

These cuffs arrived a while ago and although they have had an airing the thought occurred that they probably should have a review in their own right.

The implement:

• A pair of the second heaviest handcuffs in the world... their big brother is about 1.3 kg...they weigh in at about a kilo (2.2 lbs)
• They are 2.5 cm (1") thick
• They feature a double locking mechanism
• Multiple ratchet settings so they will fit a small or large wrist easily
• Made from nickel plated steel

The pros:

• Due to their shape and thickness they do not cut or dig in
• They do not pinch
• They seem to leave virtually no marks
• They look sexy J

The cons:

• They are very heavy for a girl to wear... or for that matter a smaller man
• There is no escape
• If you wriggle around they will tighten 

These handcuffs are fabulous to look at, but they are not for the faint hearted or the weak of limb J

Doc Johnson: Glass wand

This was picked up a while back and like so many toys sat in a box unnoticed. It was rediscovered while ratting around in aforementioned box trying to find something else. Hauling it to the light one thought this might be interesting as a shape and looking at it one suspects it was designed as a g-spot stimulator, though it would probably work just as well on the prostrate. Best of all it is just the right size for an anal toy, for someone who doesn't have the household motto of "go big or go home".

Besides the box was entertaining in its own right...

Named the Serenity and described as "sensual glass" with a "two ended spherical form" that "allows for rolling pleasure and smooth deep insertion"...

Cough, cough whatever where they taking at the time of writing that blurb and why didn't it come in the box too? Scampers off to double check the packaging...

Sighs no luck

 

The implement:

• Glass
• Measures 18 cm (7") long from end to end
• Small head is about 3 cm (1 1/8") in diameter
• Large head is about 4 cm (1 5/8") in diameter

The pros:

• Choice of end sizes so you can gently stretch things open
• Easy to clean
• Smooth surface always makes an easy insertion

The cons:

• The curve is just the wrong shape to get it all the way in the arse. It stops about an inch short... but that is probably not an issue for most. In fact it would probably give some a sense of security as there is no fear of losing it J

Ummm... sorry?

Over the years there have been some funny searches that show up on the stats. There have also been the odd ones that are dubious in nature. Not so much for their content as much as one is a little unsure whether to be insulted or amused. The most recent of these was "a naked man stretching his own anus".

Now, one is the first to admit that one has lost weight... mainly off the arse... in fact in the right light it could be described as boyish... if you squint just right

But looking like a naked man? And what the fuck was Google doing offering one up like that?

Sighs oh well the searcher was probably equally bewildered too J

Unfair advantage- Him

Don Wands nubby melon crank

Rather like that favourite juicer, this has been sitting in its velvet bag for some time... though not as long as the other one. Today it was pulled to the light to be tried out. To be honest one did rather look at it and think how did you get to our place? It was rather small and He tends towards the idea of go big or go home.

The implement:

• About 15 cm (6") long and about 2.5 cm (1") in diameter
• It has a head of about 4 cm (1 1/2") that is grooved just like that a juicer and that (along with the crank style handle) is what gives it that name
• The insertable length is approx. 9.5 cm (3 3/4")
• The base is approx. 5.5 cm (2 1/4")
• There are four rows of five smooth, raised nubs approx. 3 mm (1/8") in height around the surface and another nine around the base
• The handle is about 3.5 cm (1 1/4") and has a glass ball on it about the size of a marble.

The pros:

• Can be used anally or vaginally
• The nubs on the base are supposed to stimulate the clitoris as it goes round... not that one actually got to find out if that worked
• Pyrex for an easy clean
• Can be heated or chilled
• That smooth surface makes for an easy insertion
• Suitable for most levels of experience 

The cons:

• They are better with someone to turn them for you

To be honest one wasn't expecting great things from this toy... after all one had fallen in love with its big cousin. It did however live up to that adage about good things coming in small packages. When turned around in the arse it produced delicious sensations. So if you come across one in your travels one would recommend picking one up

Christmas is coming

In fact Christmas is just a few weeks away... if the steady stream of chocolate arriving at work is anything to go by... and some of you are probably wondering what to get your loved ones. Well here is the gift for you. A snip at only 2,490... errr... pounds that is. Nothing says I love you and you're worth it quite like an obscene amount of money being spent on something... well one wouldn't quite say useless, but shall we say somewhat unnecessary?

Well nothing says conspicuous wealth quite as well as that at any rate J

Velcro is evil

Scampering in from work one grabbed a quick meal before we went round the corner to the gym, followed by some laundry, dinner, showers and off to bed for what one thought was going to be a pleasant little quickie before going to sleep. It's strange how things never seem to work out like they do in your mind. 'Cos what transpired was neither pleasant nor quick...

First off He pounced, rolled one over and before one could squeak out the safeword, let along spell it...

Oh yes, that was a conversation that came up over breakfast. He was threatening one over food... can't remember what it was, but one wasn't enjoying it. In complete exasperation one called red. Nothing happened. So one tried Rumpelstiltskin... just in case things had changed. And then one remembered Him saying that the word was supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. On the off chance He hadn't been kidding one tried it out.

The fucker turned round and said, spell it...

That can't be right surely? That can't be how it works... 'cos it is a lousy system if it is.

Anyway back to being pounced on...

Before one knew what was happening He had one trussed up in a Sportsheets Bondage Bar that we had picked up ages ago. It is portable, lightweight and quite innocuous if shoved in the bottom of a bag as it flattens out along the thin, ridged bar to measure about 43 cm (17'). In other words it's perfect for taking away... not that we got to use it last time. So there one was trussed up, face down arse up (that almost went without saying didn't it?) with wrists and ankles trapped in Velcro, while He is attacking body parts with His fingers and the Wanachi Multi. It probably sounds all sexy and stuff...

It wasn't. There is nothing sexy about not being able to breathe properly with a rapidly developing kink in the neck and hair that is insisting on trying to get in your mouth. Anyone who has ended up in that position can attest to that. Not to mention the whole drooling thing... shudders quietly

Taking pity on one small slave He rolled one over and renewed his attack, before finishing off with His dick buried deep in one's arse, as one lay there as helpless as an upturned beetle. That bondage bar is vile. The bloody thing is almost impossible to get out of. It's not going in the favourite toy category at all. In fact one is starting to suspect that Velcro is Satan's tool...

Sighs He is not of that opinion... and apparently his is the only view that counts.

A few minutes after He had finished with one small (and feeling decidedly ruffled) slave, as one was sitting in the office meditating on both the anal abuses that had just occurred and the idea of Velcro being the tool of Satan, He marched in saying stand up. As one did so He shoved one over the desk and proceeded to sodomise the poor abraded arse again with short vicious strokes while making one say how much one enjoyed being fucked in the arse by him.

At that point it wasn't true at all. It was hurting. A lot. In fact way more than it should have.

Vile oppressor, one slung at His retreating back

He laughed and went to bed leaving one bleeding, dripping cum and without a tissue in sight. This was not the night one had in mind at all L

The homecoming

Struggling through the door juggling bags and His clean work shirt one noticed that the kitchen bench was covered in bubble wrap. Following the trail around one spotted the pair of knee pads that He mentioned ordering had arrived. Hanging His shirt up and tossing the bag down one idly thought that is a lot of wrap for a pair of knee pads... bless the Americans and their desire to wrap the world in plastic... and tape. Wandering a little closer one noticed that the pads were very well made and the thought crossed the mind, shit He must be planning on finally using his stockade. An item that has until now lounged against the wall in nonchalant disuse... it's sort of the equivalency of genteel decay for sex toys around here.

Glancing over to the coffee table one noticed another array...

More attachments for the Neon Wand... some of you may still have fond memories of one small slave's squeaks of displeasure to that horrible toy...

In fact may one take a moment to express just how much one hates electrical play of any kind.

For some reason electricity just loves one small slave.

That feeling is not reciprocated.

The sound of opening night fireworks (the local Annual Show started with the usual bang) woke Him up and he staggered out to find one glaring at the new additions...

Thanks for the knee pads

Yeah I thought they might come in useful when I try out the attachments... maybe next weekend since you have the Sunday off. He mimicked happy little bzzzzzzt bzzzzt sounds

You know, one had more of a lazy Sunday breakfast in mind

Oh we can still do that. A nice full tummy should slow you down enough that I can catch you without too much effort

Bastard!!!

Going green

Amongst the things we picked up at that sex store on the road trip was this cute little vibrator. Well it was one's birthday so for a change one small slave actually got to choose... which is why it isn't huge or scary or designed to be shoved where the sun doesn't shine. It is part of the "Leaf Line" by Swan who also make the Trumpeter Swan. Inside the brown box are instructions and the charger with interchangeable prongs for travel.

Like the Trumpeter it is designed to be ergonomic and to fit the female form. "Life" is quite small at 10.5 cm x 4 cm (4.1" x 1.6") and fits into the palm easily. It also fits the female form perfectly. Although it doesn't pack anywhere near the amount of wallop that the We-Vibe Tango does, it is still a powerful vibrator.

The pros:

• Waterproof so it can be used in a bath or shower
• Press and hold feature that allows you to easily move through the settings
• Silky smooth silicone
• Lockable for travel
• Rechargeable
• A charge lasts about 2 1/2 hours
• Very quiet operation 

The cons:

• No pulse settings only vibrations... which again isn't such a big deal 

Like all Swan products this feels fabulous and in this case it is just the right size to touch everything of importance. Best of all it could be used under the covers... an important fact here at the moment as it is freezing at about 9-15 C (48-59 F), raining and blowing a small gale. Of course He thinks it would be a fun thing to tuck between one's legs while being driven in the car. Actually a drive thru was His idea... something that also involved ice-cream... It was not a nice thing to murmur in ear of someone huddled under the blankets with a top and socks still on L

Redecorating

There is a growing pile of toys near the coffee table that needs to be dealt with. They are clean and packed in their boxes, having had their photos taken and been used... well the odd one is still to be used... but the others need to be put into the boxes under the bed. Before the piles start to resemble some architectural nightmare... one that may fall at any time and crush some passerby.

It was the contemplation of this job that was on the mind as He came up behind the chair one was occupying and reached over to grope body parts in an affectionate manner. Taking the moment of opportunity one nuzzled His arm and said... ever so casually... ummm so is it OK to find the paddle a home? Nuzzle, nuzzle, kiss, kiss. See it was on top of the pile and somewhat on the top of one's mind. It is quite nasty and you don't really want to hurt one like that again. Nuzzle, nuzzle, a few more kisses thrown in...

He laughed, tweaked the nipples (rather more viciously than was necessary one thought) in passing and said no.

Be reasonable one said, it's a horrid toy... not to mention it was bought as a prop.

Tell you what He says in his best let's make a deal voice, I'll hit you with it 100 times and you can get rid of it.

What? All at once?

Yes all at once He replied.

How is that reasonable?

Well it could have been daily He said.

That's not reasonable. In fact one suspects that word doesn't mean what you think it means...

He smiled and shrugged and walked off

In the end it was Him who found a home for it...

Of course its final resting place was here...

He is of the opinion that a few random whacks with it could prevent bad behaviour in the future.

You know in hindsight where one might have gone wrong was promising to never be bad again. It gave Him hope... and aspirations and stuff...

That toy needs to disappear...

It is close to the edge... it could fall down the back of the bed. Out of sight out of mind... surely?

Oww fucking owwwww

While we were out yesterday, in between stops for Guitar Hero stuff, we managed to cram in a visit to the sex shop in that area. Yes, other people go for coffee and cake... we go to sex shops. Actually coffee and cake would be cheaper, but... Anyway a few items did follow us home including this Asylum Prescription Pain Paddle. The paddle appears to be made from 1/4 inch heavy rubber, with the Rx symbol on one end and a cord handle through the other.

One of these days there are going to be birthday gifts that can be shown to people other than the readers of this blog... this was not one of those birthdays...

Now it was purchased because it will make a great medical prop for a photo shoot and it was at a very good discounted price. That was why it was bought... that was the only reason. Anyway it was sitting on the couch and so was He. Except He was fondling the paddle in a very alarming manner... it was being picked up and swished through the air, checked for flex, smacked on the leather of the couch and.... The whole thing was rather off putting to one small slave at the other end quietly eating breakfast. And really one should listen to those little warning voices... they have a distressing way of being right...

Because He decided to have an experimental swat with the damn thing... on real flesh. One small slave's real flesh...

Oh dear gods did that thing hurt...

It thudded down with a crack and then the burn started...

Through layer upon layer of flesh...

There were swear words and there might have been a small screech... or two.

Actually there might have been a promise to never be bad again...

Needless to say He was thrilled...

Mutters that paddle is going to disappear into a props container... somewhere at the bottom of a large stack of them... never to see the light of day again...

He is not of that opinion L