Monday, December 24, 2012

Dead, again

Waking up one stumbled out to the news that father had passed at 2am. It was mercifully brief which is all you can ask for under the circumstances. The baby sister is no doubt devastated as they were close. Personally one is still trying to feel something other than... well relief that it was so fast, annoyance that his timing was lousy, Christmas is sucky enough without this and well, that is pretty much it really.

On some level one suspects you are supposed to feel more when your father dies. We weren't close, but there should be something other than relief and annoyance surely? Maybe you can only grieve for someone once. Maybe that loss of him as a small child was so great that the grieving quota was used then. Maybe all those pundits were right when they declared that there wasn't a heart there but a swinging brick in its place.

Meh who knows...

6 comments:

jadescastle said...

i am sorry. And...i can relate. Sometimes, all you can do is feel relief. It's not a reflection upon you, certainly.

At least he didn't die on Christmas day and you will likely have plenty of time to wrap your mind around it before everything is in order.

i am sorry. Mostly, for the little girl inside of you.

Fondles said...

i'm so sorry. i have no idea whether there is a fixed quota on grief.

but i'm sure you will be able to come to terms with this matter in the way best for yourself soon enough.

my thoughts are with you.

~B said...

I'm so sorry. I felt the same way when my mother died. We all grieve in different ways. My thoughts are with you and your family.

Dina said...

You don't really know if you are grieving or not, so don't try to "feel something". Grief is such a thing that it comes unexpectedly and in most surprising forms.

I was extremely close with my Grandfather; I was the one who found Him dead; and yet ... for years ... I didn't feel anything at all other than complete and utter numbness. All the emotions that people are "supposed to feel" at moments like these--I've started feeling them, strongly, only after nearly a dozen years. So...

Either way, sorry for your loss.

Master's piece said...

Thank you all for your kind thoughts

lil said...

Eh, I think that grief is one of those things that rarely behaves as we think it should. It's an incredibly odd and unpredictable experience.

I was quite close with my father, and while I grieved a lot at his passing, I was also relieved. It was kind of disturbing in a way, but when you know someone is dying like that, the end is often a blessing in it's own way.

Grief is personal, and maybe we really can use it all up. I don't know.
But I do hope that things are better soon, and that the next time the holidays roll around, it is considerably more peaceful for you.