Sunday, October 19, 2014

It's not a bloody power exchange

As some of you know it has been mentioned on this blog how much one hates the term power exchange. It's like a lot of BDSM terminology, borrowed from other things and woefully non descriptive when it is slapped on a human relationship. On the scale of things it's more annoying than the term lifestyle and not quite as bad as submissive being used as a noun, but we are not going there again... at least not this time :D

In yesterday's blog one mused on how this relationship is service orientated, something it never set out to be. But it's not just service that makes up the foundation of this relationship. It's also control based as well. Unless other people have to ask for permission to do things like pee and wander off in the pursuit of happiness shoes.

Our relationship feels quite normal until you start scratching around. So many things are internalised that one doesn't think about them. Everyone gets their hair cut in the way their partner likes and only buys clothes that will please them and totters around in high heels 'cos He prefers them... right? It's not until someone starts waffling on using terms like power exchange that it comes to light.

The brain sort of has this moment where it goes what exchange? There was no exchange as one was frog marched, by the collar, away from the quilt one was contemplating to take care of His sexual needs. Apart from a few token buts (which were taken completely the wrong way) one is overwhelmingly grateful that He doesn't just remove the quilting altogether. It's like the gym. The underwritten proviso is if it interferes with His needs too much, it will be revoked.

You can hardly call any of that an exchange. Well you can, but it's not how others seem to use the word. There seems to be this idea that in exchange for that submission the other gets this dominance bestowed upon them. It's all so bloody civilised and doesn't look anything like what goes on around here.

Unless there is some opt out clause that no one has mentioned...
That's it isn't it?
There is one...

Sighs OK where's it hidden?


ancilla_ksst said...

What if you thought of it as exchanging your freedom for servitude? And then there is the whole issue of the word power...

Do you use authority transfer? I heard that one too.

Or just plain ole O/p. :)

Master's piece said...

"What if you thought of it as exchanging your freedom for servitude?"


mc kitten said...

I'm not sure exchange is the right word. I'm not sure power is the right word either.

I hate lots of words, service, submission/submissive being among them.

I like the term yield, and I like the word partnership. And we are equal, just different, is all. All that yammering on about inequality makes my hair curl.

of course the irony is that there is service, submission and unfairness in this relationship but honestly, that just feels like life, and normal.

I suppose really we're all using different words for the same thing? I know I'm just a hopeless romantic but it all just comes down to love for me, in the end.

That and hot kinky sex.

Anonymous said...

How about this:

A slave exchanges the stress of wandering alone aimlessly through life for the security of knowing their raison d’ĂȘtre, where the center of their universe is, and how said demigod enjoys being worshipped?


Dubdub said...

I've always wondered at these discussions, be it at Fet or other places. Do folks out there actually sit down, exchange technical views and opinions, debate definitions, and then sign some sort of contract. Really?

Who does that? Tell me. Talk about construed.

Or are there just looks, raised eyebrows, statements and everyone falls into their predisposed role?

Master's piece said...

@Dubdub Well it seems to depend on who you want to believe. In one corner you have those that promote all that negotiation and contracts stuff. They generally seem to be kinksters and if you are playing with someone new all the time, then one can see how it might be essential. On the other hand you have people like ourselves where there was none of that. Though in hindsight there are some things that should have been... forced gaming would be one such example.

All joking apart though the reality seems to be vastly different from what people promote... judging by the continual writings about consent violations, rape and predatory behaviour that seems to fill K&P on a regular basis :(

ancilla_ksst said...

Here we talk about stuff all the time. Not just how the Cardinals f'd up against the Giants either. But also about words and concepts and how I am equal or not equal to him and also about what various concepts we run across mean to both of us.

For example, I might say "I worship you as god" and he might say "I'm not comfortable with that" so then I have to re think my worship. Can I suddenly stop my worship? Hmmm, I suppose. Or I could just do it in a different way so as not to offend my Master.

Dubdub said...

@Master's Piece: I get the distinct impression that a lot of these verbal/philosophical distinctions/endless discussions are just mental masturbation. That or a bunch of lawyers or wannabe philosophers endlessly fussing over the number of angels on the head of a pin.

Kitty the Submissive Wife said...

Sometimes you just want to use as few words as possible that will convey there is some other aspect to your relationship. I personally like the term power exchange... what would you use? I suppose relationship would do. But how do you emphasize the pieces you want to emphasize? I think a lot of it is just wordsmithing.

Master's piece said...

@Kitty The trouble is that it doesn't convey an idea in as few words as possible. What happens is that you end up having to explain what it means in your relationship because no two are alike and some are less alike than others. Mostly though one has a problem with the whole idea of an exchange. Exchanging what exactly? :D