He stole out...

Like a thief in the night. That is to say He tried several doors... none of them quiet, his sneakers made that sticking sound as he walked on the lino, he had trouble with the gate (several times) and then sat outside the bedroom window with the car running while he fiddled with the GPS. How is it possible for a man, with such quiet feet that He can sneak up on the one with radar like hearing, to make that much bloody noise exiting a building? Rolling over one peered at the clock resentfully, to find it was half an hour before one was due to actually get up to get ready for work. Sighing one gave up and got up.

He was supposed to spend the day here...

Shooting photos of a mermaid and so He waited...

Until it finally occurred to Him to check his phone... to find the shoot was cancelled due to the mermaids all too human condition. It seems in the flurry to sneak out of the house He forgot to check it before he left.

And although this is going to sound petty there was a small part of one that rejoiced in the knowledge we were both going to be miserable with a fucked up day...

See the secret of any long term relationship is shared experiences J

In fact that feeling lasted until one realised that He was going to be at home feeling miserable, while one small slave was going to be stuck at work.

Think one small slave might have won that round... one can tell because there is no feeling of victory at all L

Sunday bloody Sunday... again

It's late in the evening and one small slave was thinking about showering, and other little ritualistic behaviours... most of them conducted in a horizontal position. Somewhat early might one add, as one is being dragged into work tomorrow to do an extra day. Wouldn't you know it one did have plans... He is leaving early to do a shoot up the coast and one small slave was planning a little lay in, coffee in bed, catching up with a net buddy, oh and some light housework so everything would be nice and clean when He got home. In fact one was even toying with the idea of a little shopping. All of that was laid to waste by staffing issues... other peoples might one add.

Anyway back to puttering around thinking about showers...

He says I need your packing skills.

Umm you usually consider them excessive.

As an aside laying the wardrobe out so you can check it is the best mix and match combo, with accessories, is a sensible approach if you want to maximise both flexibility and space. And everyone needs a packing list...preferably attached to the suitcase. How else are you going to mark things off so you don't forget them? Needless to say His packing looks like a slightly demented squirrel; a quick rifle through the wardrobe as a few t-shirts are tossed, along with an assortment of socks... what is it with that many socks?... onto the top of the neatly packed suitcase. Why this casual abandon you may be wondering? Well He is secure in the knowledge that one small slave has thought of everything else... like toiletries and shavers and, and, and...

They usually are He retorted, but in this case they are going to be handy

Perking with interest one hovered in the study door with dancing visions of artfully packed camera and equipment bags.

I need sun block.

Umm... do you think it might have been sensible to mention that while one was still at work?

Well we have some.

Yes, but do you even know where it is?

No, but I have you and you will know where it is.

Yes and it is right here... reaching out to the shelf nearby one checked the bottom for an expiry date... and you are in luck.

I need a hat

Looking at Him the interest started to wane... this is not the stuff of packing dreams... more a search and find mission. Moving into the study one picked up the hats.

Sounding exasperated He said I don't want those ones.

Of course not. Digging around in the recesses of the hall cupboard one found some older ones. Coming back in the room one enquired, which do you think says I know what I am doing more? H R Pufnstuf or Ren and Stimpy?

Looking less than enthusiastic He asked is that it?

Well they are your hats.

Standing there one desperately tried to keep a straight face as He tried them on... for the record it is very hard to takes someone wearing either hat very seriously.

I need a new hat He said somewhat mournfully.

Helpfully one handed over the others saying please don't even begin to try and suggest that the Jedi Training Academy hat is remotely...

He glared at one as he tried them on finally settling for ... not the Jedi hat one noticed, which was a shame as the shape suited him.

So there He is all packed...

And here one is... deeply disappointed on so many levels L

Widening the aperture

There is a thread on the group about limiting outside influences... at least in the group you can have a discussion about that without a resounding chorus of red flags. Shutting your slave off from the outside world isn't necessarily a bad thing. At a simple level every one of us probably has a friend or family member who does not enrich our life... and some people are incapable of saying no and others get immersed in their drama. As one said, and has said before, isolation is not necessarily a bad thing.

The other advantage of cutting off contact with the outside world is that it focuses the attention on the owner. They become the sun and the moon... they are in effect the voice of your personal god. And if they are worthy of that is of course dependant on how well you chose. But that is something for another time...

Of course if the owner doesn't have a god complex and isn't quite so controlling, all that attention can be a bit much. Couple it with a slave who is a natural introvert... to the point of resenting having to go out once a week to friends (entertaining though they are)... even though one understands that friends are important (still a little hazy as to why, but no doubt that will be resolved in the fullness of time)... and it ends up with a little too much focus being shifted your way. That and an environmental control freak who actually likes getting into corners of the bathroom with a toothbrush. Or worse quilting and planning four course dinners... though at times when immersed in a quilt they may well come out of cans.

No, far better to send one small slave out to work for a few hours a week and let the public torture her for you.

Christmas cometh...

The tinsel is up

Santa is due to arrive

And soon the carols will begin L

A companion field guide to trolls

Chapter three:

Genus: Troll

Species: insons insontis

Common name: The innocent troll... otherwise known as what did I do?

Habitat:

The subject can be found at the centre of a definition debate... often one they have started. Usually under the guise of trying to find a definitive answer to the meaning of life as other people know it. The innocent troll prefers groups that have a mix of developmental stages for this reason... more experienced members because they are most likely to get annoyed with it and beginners to take its side.

Life cycle:

Stage 1:

Nesting:

The innocent troll usually arrives all bright eyed and bushy tailed. Usually young or worse young at heart, it settles in. Often its first foray into a group is starting up a thread that is almost guaranteed to make the inhabitants weep and gnash their teeth. Its first words are usually "what is the difference between..." or "I don't understand how...".

Stage 2:

Adult developmental stage:

From there on in it is usually a sharp downhill decent. When things have turned into definition hell, it can usually be found curled in a foetal position whimpering why are you so mean to me? That is its defence mechanism and it will assume that position any time it is threatened. Actually it will assume that position any time it thinks it might get some mileage out of it.

Stage 3:

The metamorphosis:

Unlike the familiar troll and the provocative troll, the innocent troll remains a perpetual adolescent. It doesn't evolve and seems content to practise its routine ad infinitum. At best it will change groups, but the nature of the questions never seem to change.

Spotting the innocent troll:

Always looking for others to spoon feed it answers the innocent troll has no qualms about playing stupid. It is interesting to note that this troll has no search function capabilities... always something to watch out for. In fact it does "a bit dense" better than the rest of the species. Also keep an eye out for anyone curled in a ball screaming and relying on the soft hearted to protect it. Chances are you are looking at an innocent troll in action. 

Control and eradication:

The minute you hear "what is the..." those words are your cue to walk quietly in the opposite direction. Move away smartly is the best one can offer. The innocent troll is equipped with sticky little feelers that allow it to cling to anyone getting too close. How else is it going to suck you into its definition hell? 

Redwrappings.com

As a reward for doing the makeup for the photo shoots, He decided to treat one to a chair more suitable to the job. Let us not dwell on the whole thing of positive rewards or how He is cunning and buys things that will further his aims, and let us dwell on the spirit of the gift. The idea was a chair that will raise the models up to a more convenient height and take the strain off one's back.

It arrived quietly last week and stayed in the breezeway because neither of us had time to unpack it. Of course on Tuesday morning He slipped out to assemble it, and we discovered the chair was badly damaged... and not the kind that can be fixed with a bit of glue. So we phoned the company, which is online, and lo their number was no longer available.

Little bells starting to tink away quietly.

So He did the next best thing and sent an email. This came back informing us they were unavailable...

You are all starting to feel a little cynical about now aren't you? J

... and giving another email address.

Contacting that address we were pleasantly surprised when they replied quite rapidly and asked for photos of the damage. 

Sending them off... we waited.

They got back to us later in the day and informed us another chair was on the way and to keep the damaged one. That was a relief because neither of us were enamoured with the idea of popping the damn thing back in its box or paying for the freight.

The new chair arrived safe and sound today.

So thank you redwrappings,  for excellent service and complaints resolution. 

Soap and sodomy

With a headache that was reaching a crescendo one thought a little steamy shower would be very nice. For some reason the steam always clears the sinuses and relieves the head just for a little while. Of course when one scampered in there, He was already in possession of the shower and all the steam. So feeling frightfully brave, which as we all know is another word for stupid, one asked to join Him.

For the record when anyone opens a door that wide and has that kind of a gleam in their eyes... it is not going to end well. And this sad tale is no happier might one add...

Stepping in, He proceeded to wash one's back... gentle, rhythmic, massaging manoeuvres that completely lulled on into an unguarded state. And then He dropped the soap. And like a fool one bent over to pick it up. And gave it back to Him.... That right there was the foolish step, or maybe it was the bending over...

At any rate He proceeded to wash everything... very carefully. And His fingers did seem to keep accidently slipping into little crevices with alarming regularity. In fact it got to the point that one was forced to mention that much exploration was unnecessary. To which He replied that one was correct... what was needed was the right tool. One that would make everything all squeaky clean...

You squeak, I'll clean.

Sighs every one of them is a freaking comedian L

And what did you do today?

Well today was His birthday. It was one of those milestone ones that have a big fat zero on the end of it. So what did we do you may be wondering. Oddly enough it didn't involve a birthday beating... which was good 'cos He is starting to creep up there... into the land of oh hell that hurts.

No, we spent the day involved in another photo shoot. Actually there were meant to be two of them back to back, but only one turned up and it went all day. Then we had to scamper down the hallway to do His birthday dinner and presents. That was followed by scuttling out to roleplaying for the rest of the night.

See the secret of the distraction technique one outlined the other day is to keep them coming. Don't give them time to come up for air... or your arse J