Friday, November 4, 2011

A companion field guide to trolls

Chapter three:
Genus: Troll
Species: insons insontis
Common name: The innocent troll... otherwise known as what did I do?

Habitat:
The subject can be found at the centre of a definition debate... often one they have started. Usually under the guise of trying to find a definitive answer to the meaning of life as other people know it. The innocent troll prefers groups that have a mix of developmental stages for this reason... more experienced members because they are most likely to get annoyed with it and beginners to take its side.

Life cycle:
Stage 1:
Nesting:
The innocent troll usually arrives all bright eyed and bushy tailed. Usually young or worse young at heart, it settles in. Often its first foray into a group is starting up a thread that is almost guaranteed to make the inhabitants weep and gnash their teeth. Its first words are usually "what is the difference between..." or "I don't understand how...".

Stage 2:
Adult developmental stage:
From there on in it is usually a sharp downhill decent. When things have turned into definition hell, it can usually be found curled in a foetal position whimpering why are you so mean to me? That is its defence mechanism and it will assume that position any time it is threatened. Actually it will assume that position any time it thinks it might get some mileage out of it.

Stage 3:
The metamorphosis:
Unlike the familiar troll and the provocative troll, the innocent troll remains a perpetual adolescent. It doesn't evolve and seems content to practise its routine ad infinitum. At best it will change groups, but the nature of the questions never seem to change.

Spotting the innocent troll:
Always looking for others to spoon feed it answers the innocent troll has no qualms about playing stupid. It is interesting to note that this troll has no search function capabilities... always something to watch out for. In fact it does "a bit dense" better than the rest of the species. Also keep an eye out for anyone curled in a ball screaming and relying on the soft hearted to protect it. Chances are you are looking at an innocent troll in action. 

Control and eradication:
The minute you hear "what is the..." those words are your cue to walk quietly in the opposite direction. Move away smartly is the best one can offer. The innocent troll is equipped with sticky little feelers that allow it to cling to anyone getting too close. How else is it going to suck you into its definition hell? 

1 comment:

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