Renovations of the mind

As a child one was utterly camera shy... bordering on the phobic almost. A camera would come out and one would duck behind the nearest object. There is the odd picture of one, about three perhaps, and in all of them one looks stiff and more than a little resentful. It’s because they are holding one in place. The only way you could get a shot was grab one small child on the move and whip out the camera. And you all wonder why one has trust issues... adults are largely the cause of them.

This relationship carried on into adult years. There are a few snapshots... garnered under remarkably similar circumstances; lovers and flatmates sneaking up on one with the camera hidden behind their perfidious backs, and whipped out at the last minute. And may one just say their strike rate is low... very low; a couple from the Hobbit years and the living in Sydney phase, and then nothing. Until He came along with his lens sticking its nose in every intimate moment... usually with that same element of surprise.

Now this was never an issue until we changed the basis of the power structure and then there were issues. Up until then one could duck... afterwards one was shoved in front of a back drop while He tried out some new lens. Then it created problems because one doesn’t see oneself the way He does. No one does, but in this case there is a small jot of something that resembles body dysmorphia to complicate matters. When looking in the mirror all one sees is fat. The actual size is irrelevant; one sees fat at 47kg (103lbs) and at 77kg (170lbs).

At 47 kg one fitted into size 14 girls clothes, which was kinda strange as one was 24 at the time. Now in the age of the size zero it wouldn’t raise an eyebrow, but it did then. The second step mother, on popping her head around a changing room curtain, saw one once and exclaimed in shock that she could count where every rib met the spine. Even a lover at the time used to describe those ribs as Biafran. Not that one ever listened because well when looking in the mirror all one saw was fat.

Now at 77 kg one sees the same thing... which is more of a problem when you live with someone who likes to take photos. In the beginning one couldn’t look at the photos at all... well not without crying. He got around that by not asking what one thought and simply putting them up. In taking away any element of control He got around the hypercritical stage. When they are up the mind is more capable of looking at them and going oh that has a nice line or yeah can see what He was aiming for there. It is still critical, but it is not focused on the model.

See like many things in these relationships it isn’t about changing the behaviours as much as changing the perceptions. It is the ultimate sleight of hand in some ways. Bright shiny object, bright shiny object... oh look where did the rabbit go? Of course in some cases the rabbit is probably dead, but let’s not dwell on that for now shall we.