Advice column

What's the one bit of advice you would give to someone contemplating becoming a slave?

At the time we were curled up in bed contemplating sex... sex that though enjoyable would probably hurt one of us. He asks the weirdest things at the oddest times...

Don't do it, was the unhesitating reply.

Really?

Yeah, really! Seriously if you are of sound mind enough to be contemplating it, then you sure as hell are not ready to actually do it. Only the slightly unhinged would seriously contemplate this as a way of life.

He was quiet for a moment... a rare turn of events might one add. Seriously, that would be your advice?

Yeah. Probably closely followed by run, while you still can.

His eyebrow rose to epic heights in questioning disbelief forcing one to add...

Look say you've managed to get someone who wants to do this. Generally speaking you have two types of people who enter into this. Those that have a very clear idea of what they want and they don't want their potential partner reading someone else's shit... except in the broadest sense... and getting stupid ideas they are going to have to undo. They want that clean receptive slate because it's less work.

The second type is like us who drifted into this after a lot of getting to know each other. You had ideas, one small slave had ideas and we messed around until we found what worked for us. There was a lot of trial and error. What there wasn't was a lot of complete strangers telling you what to do or giving advice...

Look we work because difficult though one is... that was more of a working premise than an admission of guilt... as a person one is remarkably unattached to those things people hold dear like names, personal identity, style. All those nebulous things that we call a sense of self which often cause the biggest stumbling blocks in one of these relationships.

Most people go into relationship thinking I am not going to change... it's probably the biggest cause of divorce thinking about it. We've been sold on this idea of a soul mate that will get us and love us just the way we are. Personally one goes into a relationship thinking what will make this work? Adaption is always the answer. As a person one has adapted to your needs.

Take the wardrobe for example. There isn't a thing in there that hasn't on some level been dictated by you. Even when we go out shopping if the hand lights on something and your lip curls that item is dropped immediately. We do that repeatedly until one can predict your taste... well at least where one's own wardrobe is concerned... within certain parameters. That makes you happy therefore one small slave is happy.

You have done this in all areas of the relationship consciously and unconsciously. You have overwritten one's tastes and desires to the point that one is hazy about where you stop and one begins. After nearly 17 years it is a reflex and one that isn't questioned at all. It simply is.

See that's what they do. They overwrite your very essence, your sense of self, your style, even your soul if you believe in such a thing. Why on earth would you advise someone to do that? Who would want that on their conscience?

So if you are reading this and contemplating embarking in a BDSM relationship...

Run. Run now! As fast as you can...

There, a clean conscience J