Saturday, January 14, 2012

Old chestnuts

Of all the great debates you can find online none are so hotly contested as the idea consensual non-consent. And quite rightly too... as an oxymoron it has to be up there with army intelligence. It is an utterly nonsensical phrase and we use it because no one can agree to anything better. This, considering most of the BDSM community (now there is another oxymoron) can't actually agree on almost anything, shouldn't be such a surprise.

It is a bit like the idea of not able to leave... it has no universal meaning and very different nuances. For us it means that one has been utterly brainwashed into believing that there isn't anything that can't be worked out. And considering that one has a long history as a complete commitmentphobe and serial leaver is a spectacular bit of brainwashing. And there is another one of those little buzz words that seems to get peoples latex chaps in a complete lather... contemplate that visual for a minute...

Either way though those ideas all end in one place... the great amputation debate. And it always gets ugly. On one side you have people who are usually in long term relationships saying yeah it works for us and has done for X years. On the other hand you have someone who is either young, old, disillusioned, unowned, weekend warrior, fanatical defender of their way... or some combination of the options. You never find these debates happening amongst those who are just getting on with it to the best of their abilities at the time. Strange that...

And there is a reason for that gentle reader....
No one has ever gone into a relationship thinking how long before s/ he amputates something. Now historically some perhaps should have, but you don't. Nor do you go into one thinking, but they might... and if you do then maybe you need to reconsider... before moving in might one add. No you go into any relationship thinking this is the one... or at least... this might work.

All those horror stories are the department of your friends and relatives. They are the ones who look at your partner and go... WTF are they thinking? The person has axe wielding murderer written all over them. Now in most cases they are wrong... not always, but mostly. What has happened is their emotional filters perceive this change to your life as a bad thing and subsequently that colours your intended the same way.

The more one reads the great limb chopping debates, the more one is starting to suspect something similar happens with people when their ideas of how relationships are done are challenged. They feel threatened and react just like your friends do. Only it is magnified because in real life people generally keep those sorts of thoughts to themselves, and on the net they don't have to. It's not like they are actually going to lose anything... well nothing real at any rate. So all that hysteria they are feeling comes out in the deafening cry of but... what if s/ he (insert horror story/ imaginary what if scenario of choice here).
And they wonder why we can't hear them...

5 comments:

fangskitten said...

It kinda erks me when people think they're so 'totally owned' that if a relationship should go totally south that they 'cannot leave because they've not been given permission'

At the end of the day, you're still human, you still have rights. You still have the right to say 'I don't think we're working out..'

But hey, if that's how a person wants to live, all the power to 'em. :)

Vixen B-Ab said...

Uhmm.. You might want to re-read fangskitten.

What's your favorite color piece? Purple wasn't it?

MsSparkles said...

I do actually seriously consider how likely all potential partners are to be axe murderers, or any other form of crazed come to that.

Sometimes I even have them checked out sneakily for additional info, and then write lists weighing up the pros and cons. I am speshul that way.

Master's piece said...

@Vixen Still ignoring you :P
@MT Well so does one small slave... but then INTJ. Everyone gets put on the scales... and catalogued for later :D

bottomoftherabbithole said...

"as an oxymoron it has to be up there with army intelligence"
Actually, I spent over 6 years in Army Intelligence, it could be why I don't have a problem with the oxymoron bit.