Thursday, November 11, 2010

Nesting and other instincts

On a Wednesday night He goes back to work for the week and one sleeps alone. Now some people hate this, some just take it as an excuse to colonise the centre of the bed... His stuff (really the secret of harmoniously sharing a bed with a 6' man is separate doonas, it ends all the tussles which He is going to win) is pushed unceremoniously to one side and a crispy sleep sheet is laid out with a small doona in case it gets cold. The TV is put onto something suitably droning (Law and Order is ideal), the timer is set and one does some of those little girly rituals, like plucking eyebrows, before settling into sleep. It is ritualistic and organised and the beginning of quality alone time with the king sized bed.

He comes in on those incredibly quiet feet... He sneaks in like a thief in the night... and wallops one’s naked, exposed arse with a two handed slap that makes enough noise to wake the dead and stings for ages after. He flips one over with casual ease. Pins one to the bed as only a big man can... love big men... grazes a nipple playfully with sharp teeth, murmurs obscenities in the ear and then gets up and casually saunters to the door, while one hurls abuse after him. Whereupon reaching the doorway He casually turns and says- well you can always masturbate if you are horny.

Now you are all looking at this thinking He is kind and generous aren't you? Well you are wrong. While He was sleeping one was at the gym lifting weights and as one mentioned earlier, it is hard on a 46 year old body. You hurt most of the time. And more importantly, you sleep like one of the damned. He knows one will be lucky to barely make it into a comfortable position before one is out like a light.


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