Having a hysterectomy is a topic that has come up lately so it's just easier to put it here.
When asked one always says that the hysterectomy was the best money one has ever spent... and by the time it finally happened that was true. Of course like many things, it didn't start out that way... in fact it was at the end of long and fraught path that had stared simply enough with trying to find birth control. As one has mentioned before when we got together there were lots of discussions about children and all sorts of issues finding birth control. By the time we found out that we didn't need it... between His sperm and the PCOS we had slim chances... the PCOS had really kicked in and at the time the pill was being used to try and control the bleeding.
It was largely unsuccessful, unless bleeding every 10 days was the aim. The migraines were spectacular as well... cluster migraines that went three days on, one day off and then back on for another three. It was then that we discovered you can fail every preventative medication as well... which really shouldn't have been a surprise. It was round about then that we ditched the pill and started trying to get a hysterectomy.
In this country they are very reluctant to perform that type of surgery if you haven't had children. Invariably one was informed that as one had no children, being a woman one would most likely change one's mind. Logic like umm... 35, 37, 39, oh and between us we will only get pregnant with serious medical intervention fell on deaf ears. As did we have done the grieving, get the bloody thing out. Eventually we found a lovely sympathetic gyno who was more susceptible to logic and money, who agreed that it would be for the best and it was done semi-privately.
The hysterectomy was done on the Monday and one was out on the Wednesday... OK it was beg to be released on the Tuesday when one discovered the standard flavour of jello was green... shudders... and the painkillers were lousy. Morphine doesn't work so well for some of us... it flushes out too fast... and the hips, which were the only thing feeling any pain were unbelievably annoying. There were also a couple of issues with the accommodations.
The centralised system means that all female stuff is done on the same ward. So you get new mothers and their babies sharing rooms with people like oneself. Now we were prepared to not have children, but one can only imagine what this arrangement must be like for those who didn't want to or had lost a child. A couple of the nurses were cunts too... very prolife and having children some of them are... to the point of not understanding why you would want a hysterectomy and letting you know they disapproved. The nursing sister soon put a stop to that shit... we had a chance to chat as we went walkies on the Tuesday... it was essential to prove one could escape if pushed J
The gyno pontificated that it would reduce the migraines by half... which it did. Of course the GP is still unconvinced, even though one has tried to explain taking meds for a migraine that only lasts for three days in total is a vast improvement on taking meds for a cluster migraine that has a back swing of another three days. And truthfully combined with staying away from soy and preservatives, which can trigger the damn things, and using antihistamines if one gets sandbagged by ingredients changes, one can go weeks without one.
Now some people wonder how you work through the grieving process of not having children. And there is one, even if you never wanted them... especially if you finally meet someone you would have children with and it is just not going to happen. We talked. We talked and cried for what might have been if we had met sooner, been more fertile, been richer or in one small slaves case been younger.
There was also the issue of Him being younger and coming from a family that like, enjoy... expect children. To be honest one really thought He would wake up one day and realise he wanted children. It is very hard to remove yourself from family expectations... particularly when you are confronted by them on a regular basis. From one's perspective that was the hardest thing to overcome... the belief that He would just one day turn around and say... sorry I have met someone more fertile.
At the end of the day you can only grieve for what might have been for so long. Just as you can only live in fear of what might be or might happen. Eventually you have to choose to move forward and let it go. Otherwise it will eat away at your now like a cancer... silent, deadly and utterly malign. We chose us and moving forward... and we have a cat that makes any teenager seem utterly adorable... and preferable.
2 comments:
As someone who lives with PCOS and has chosen also to not have children this post makes me realize there are other people like me. My husband is much older than me and is unable to have kids, between that and my PCOS along with some other issues we chose about a year ago to never pursue children.
I come from a family of breeders though. Every person in my family for the last four generations has had children. Whether they have adopted them or birthed them, they have had families and often times large families.
Thank you for the realization that my husband and I aren't the only ones who have made this hard decision. You are correct though, eventually you have to move forward and let it go.
Thank you for sharing your story too.. you never know who it might reach out to and help.
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